Moral of the Story

Oh God! It is Tuesday again. I am not sure if I want to brave the wind and go for that brutal cross-fit meets TRX meets boot camp of a class.

“You have paid too much to miss this one,” I tell myself.

I show up and as the clock strikes 7, a few more folks trickle in.

As I am dropping of my jacket and keys on the ground, she smiles from across the court. And amid contemplating whether I know her, am I in the right class, why did she smile at me, and how incredibly pretty she looks ( even in her work out t-shirt ), I sort of forgot to return the smile.

Just then in a split second I realized how the moment had passed and unless I had something really witty and smart to say, my best option was to start stretching and look as if I was intently warming up for the class.

Not so oddly enough, I chose the third one….continued looking at her squarely!!

Class started and shortly after, with my eyes closed, mouth wide open to gulp as much oxygen as I possibly could, I was clutching on to my stomach after the ‘core’ segment but trust me when I tell you that in my mind I was smiling widely thinking of what I may say to her over a glass of wine. Or thinking I bet I can swim faster than her. Or picturing a fall evening by the lake as the sun quietly disappeared.

A full hour of torturous exercises followed thereafter. Stealing a glance or a two was about the only solace.

After the class ended, I found myself moseying towards locker room when she walked right up to me. This time I exchange smile, a tired but a genuine smile.

Before I knew, she was telling me about how great the work-out was and how impressed she was and how she was planning on continuing the class.

All this while, if I wasn't trying not to run out of my breath, I was trying to not stare squarely at her.

And then I heard something to the effect, “Actually, I don’t think my boyfriend is going to use all the passes. I think I will steal some of his and be here for next 10 sessions. I will see you next class?”

And now I was doing neither of the two.

Even for the relationships that live and perish inside my mind, this was some kind of a world record.

I came home and told this to a friend and without blinking she said, “Well, that just means, you got 10 more chances to show her what she is missing out on.”

Neo

Oh Damien !

I worry about you.

Volcano, Rootless Tree, Blower’s Daughter, Delicate and so many more songs that truly strike a chord.

I still remember how I came to know of you. I was sitting in a backpackers inn in Inverness, Scotland , noodling over whether to stay longer or head to Glasgow right away. It was a summer morning, all others had finished their breakfast and were on their way. I was still sitting at the table, scribbling in my notebook.

Sun rays were angled through the glass door, passing through my sparkling glass of water painted a tiny rainbow on the table. And then, the song came on –

Don’t hold yourself like that, you will hurt your knees. I kissed your mouth and back, that is all I need.  

Don’t build your world around, Volcano’s melt it down.

What I am to you, is not real. What I am to you, is not what you mean to me.

And those words stayed with me. Over the years, I have followed your music very closely. One song painfully beautiful than the other. Hardly anyone could capture the absolute agony of being in hopeless Love and not being able to do anything about it.

We all fall in love, then fall out of it. Get over it. For some it is ripping of the band-aid and for others it is a rib-fracture that hurts even when you laugh.

I am excited about your latest album that is scheduled to come out in November. I listened to the single ‘The Box.’ As much as I loved it, it concerned me.

Like Henry Miller said, if you have loved her, suffered from her, and now have turned her into music ( well he said literature, what did he know ), isn’t it time to move on.

Not to be wrapped up in the idea of love but be wrapped up in love itself?

I am really looking forward to all the eight singles!!!

I worry Damien. I worry ! Because we are far too alike.

N

...Wish I was Tim

A lot of times we tend to lose track of how exactly did we meet some of these truly exceptional people in our lives for the first time ( now present and ex-lovers are the exceptions)

However, often times, we do remember what was it that really sealed the friendship. Whether it was a drunken stupor, a bet, a challenging time in life ... whatever have you.

In case of Tim, it was a strange text message - "Hey, is it your birthday today as well ?" After the shots at Blue Bird and long life discussion that followed, I knew we shared much more than the day we were born on. 

Anyways, it has been three years since. And I met with Tim at a deli in Chicago last weekend. 

Tim is one of the most smart, rational(ish), responsible, and what I like to call sorted out (and sought-after) guy. Identify the problem, draw up a plan, then stick to it. Be compassionate, polite, and have fun while at it - kind of a guy.  

This meeting was no different than previous ones, in that I shared my challenges, nostalgia, heartaches, and so on & Tim smiled, related to what I was saying, and shared a couple of insights. Like always, our time was brief and we walked up to the blue line. 

As it was time to leave, I said, "Everybody loves Tim. I wish I was Tim."

"I wish I was him too," he said, "In the meanwhile, why don't you be you, that I know you to be."

Neo

Friend Professor & Zen Master

Siddartha ( before he was Buddha, he was just a prince named Siddhartha), once left his palace for a ride in a his chariot one day and couldn’t return as a prince but returned as Buddha.

And Buddha had the answers. One of which was how to be happy.

Last weekend, I left for a gateway in my old Honda, hoping to find a few answers myself. And I met…

A Friend

“No matter how often and how sternly my conscious instructs my subconscious, it can’t help but wallow in the past. Perspective is muddled, and imagination only focuses on ‘what could have been?’ You think that makes me weak? Something must be wrong with me!”

And she said, “Take a step back here. Get out of your head and tell me, if I asked you the same darn question; what do you think you would say?”

“Now, tell me, do you know what I am going to say? Ask yourself, if you didn’t already know that.”

“It is a journey. You don’t get to pick who boards the bus. You can, though, choose who you seat next to or readjust to make place next to you for someone. Until then, look out the window. We are all on the bus. No one better than the other.”

A Professor

“….I want to be set in life! Friends, family, wife, baby, and all other good things. You know. Just like you.”

Professor takes a large gulp of his Vodka Tonic and first smiles and then laughs, “Hahah, I hear you. So you were part of a null experiment and you got a null result. That is the beauty, null result means nothing. Null result doesn’t prove or disprove anything, but I bet until you didn’t know the result, you had a ball experimenting.Didn't you ?”

“You know, good shit always comes with bad shit. I mean, comes with some price. And don’t get me wrong, I am grateful and more than happy to pay the price. Keeping looking for what you are looking for. Don’t over-emphasize what you don’t have, just don’t squander what you have in search of what you think is missing.”

The Zen Master

“I am successful despite myself. Go figure!

When I was younger this wasn’t the exact life I projected but this life has exceeded any and all expectations I had. Family and friends, a man can’t really ask for more. You keep trying and then you get lucky. I know I did!”

Neo

17 Year Old Self

Things were simple. It took one or two meetings or mere running ins with certain someone before his heart refused to follow any further instructions from his brain. All logic was out of the window. There was no master plan or pretense. There was only one thing he could do – react and follow his heart.

Tell her he really liked her. Perhaps, he wasn’t that polished, and all he managed to say was – “I really have a big crush on you.”

It didn’t in that moment, but in hindsight it certainly is comparable to a dog chasing a speeding car. Even if the dog caught up with the car at the next traffic light, what was his move aside from barking a couple times? 

Perhaps locking eyes with the driver for a split second ?

(Overlook this 30 year Old’s cynicism.)

But it was naïve ! It was raw and it was spontaneous.

That 17 year old was excited. Ready to dive headlong. He got hurt more than he got rewarded, but was he anxious ? Never!

He was inconsolable and crushed, but it only until he turned the corner.  Only until the next girl made him feel the butterflies in his stomach, when he couldn’t help but turn around, when his throat dried up as he approached to talk to her, when all her friends appeared as world’s worst demon only put on earth to stop him from talking to her. Only until then.

He, then, for the most part deeply and incessantly fell for her.

Afraid her mother may pick up the phone again, he didn’t try calling her more than once. He did want to share with her, how suddenly his days were brighter and people were nicer, but he had to hold on to all of it until they met next. Any attention he could offer or seek had to just wait.

He loved courageously, even sometimes knowing fully well that he was on a one way street.

Courage is part belief and part stupidity.

Somewhere along the road, he grew older and technology grew smarter. There are cell phones, text messages, social media and other things now. 

He hasn’t called her yet, their brief text messages have tried to ferry their emotions across this busy, loud world that is filled with distractions. 

Under the pretense of patience, he has procrastinated.

And what took one or two meetings or mere running ins then, may have taken more this time but I’m afraid it has happened again. Something somewhere has changed and there is utter anarchy. Logic, again, is out of the window. His rational, deductive brain is no longer in-charge.

He is just looking for that naïve, stupid courage. 

If he catches up with the car, it isn’t just about locking eyes, but about getting in the car and driving along for as long as roads will take them. 

Neo

First to Thirty First

Today is my parent’s thirty first wedding anniversary. In the past eight years, I have either been out of town or out of country on their anniversary day. And it is only in the past eight years that I have developed a sense for what anniversaries mean. 

Unfortunately, I have never been there on the Day to be able to spend it with them. So I call them.

I called on the landline hoping to get hold of both of them,

“Hi, happy anniversary dad. How does it feel ?”

“Hello, hello, good. It feels ok,” he acknowledged.

I said, “31 years hannn”

“Yeah, thirty years is a long time. We continue to understand and accommodate one another. She does more accommodating and understanding than me. It is great,” he continued, “She got you some t-shirts. She is going to ship them. And she gifted me pants. Good ones.”

I admit, “Thirty years is really a long time. That is great.” Jogging my memory for the longest 

relationship I have been in my adulthood.

I ask, “Is mom there? Can I talk to her?”

He replies, “She is in the other flat. Call her on her cell phone.”

We recently rented a unit across the hallway to have more space. Mom was there, helping my grandma out. I ask, “Which cell phone – her work or personal ? or does she have your cell phone ?”

Yes, between two of them they have four phones – three cell phones and a landline.

“Try any, they should all be on the desk.”

I dial and after two beeps, mom picks up.

“Thank you,” she says.

“So how was it ? How do you feel?”

She tells me, “Your dad gave me thousand rupees as a present for anniversary and I got him track-pants.”

And a few things run through my mind, Thirty one years, pragmatic nature, zero expectations, and content.

I enquire, "How was first anniversary, do you remember ?"

She answers, “Does he ever remember anything? My sister had to remind him that it was our first anniversary. I was pregnant with you and celebrated our first anniversary at your grandpa’s, far away from Bombay. Your dad couldn’t make it to grandpa's.”

She adds on , “Since I was pregnant with you, I only had ice-cream to celebrate.” And breaks into a laughter.

I thank her and chuckle at her sense of humor.

“Thirty years is a long time. I am too busy with your dad and grandma. I would have loved to visit you otherwise. How is the weather?”

And she goes on. I don't quite get what she is saying, until I snapped out of the trance, wipe an indecisive tear off the corner of my eye and I said what one says when they don’t know what was being said…”Hmmmm….ahannn....Right”

I ask, “Did he (younger brother) call?”

She replies, “Yeah he did just after midnight. He arranged for a bouquet. We got this nice bouquet in the morning.”

I say, “Wow, he has grown up. Matured.”

“I feel like am a bad son. Maybe I am.” I don’t say.

“I have to go. But please email me what all you need because I am getting ready to ship you things on Monday. Take some time over the weekend and send me the list. Bye,” Mom hands up. 

Happy Anniversary aai-ba.

Neo

Paul

“I am sorry that we had to meet under these circumstances. Visit to a body shop is never pleasant,” said Paul.

“I don’t think we would have met otherwise or under any other circumstances,” he doesn't say.

He punched the door opener and after the initial crackling of chain and levers, the giant door to his body shop began to retract.

She unbuttoned her overcoat, put her bug-eyed sunglasses on and got into her Honda. With the turn of the key, her car came to life and she drove away and disappeared into the traffic.  

Paul punched the button and door started to shut as he watched her disappear. As he had watched most of his customers leave. All of them secretly hoping and praying that they never had to return to Paul’s shop. And Paul wished the best for them.

He had been doing this 40 years and he had met all kinds of people. He had helped mend 1970’s Ford Mustang Mach 1, never to see the customer again. He had fixed an ordinary Honda for a not-so-well to do family that didn’t carry any insurance. He had heard plenty of stories about – just drove off the dealer’s showroom and …. , stories about – I was just pulling out of my drive way and stories about – I was southbound on I-94 and…

Customers often left out the details about what ensued a few minutes before the crash or often lied about it. More often, customer left out details about personal injury and attachment to the vehicle.  Paul didn’t mind that but sometimes wondered why.

Paul fixed cars and fixed them very well. Perhaps, he had the best gig in town. For that he charged an appropriate price as well. He didn’t expect anything more but every now and then, a cab driver turns back to see the passenger he just dropped, a first responder makes the mistake of checking on the patient, and a flight purser thinks about the courteous passenger in 1B on JFK to LAX, Paul did too.

“I fix their cars. Make them so - like nothing ever happened. Remove all traces of the incident, so that they are never reminded of that terrible moment in time when they met with the accident.  I do get my compensation and curt a thank you but rarely a smile (that an artist would for his painting or sculpture).”